Dear Crake

2011-05-23T23:24:00.002+08:00

Dear Crake,

Hey hey it's been a long time. Apparently my friend, JASMINE caught my blog and then she realised I'm not blogging. So she's telling me to blog NOW. so I'm going to blog for her. HAHA :D

Everyday has been very busy for me with school and everything else. Like today, I was supposed to be in school for project work and I was late. :x And it went on the whole day until we decided to go to Clementi Mall for 'dinner'. So it was Christine, JASMINE and me! We bought KOI, ate at KFC and talked about some rubbish. Then after that Christine has to go for some Japanese class, so it was left with me and Jasmine. We started to bitch around I guess? HAHAHAHAHA! Omgosh.

But yeah, I'm so sleepy now. I shall update about my life soon.

P.S I WENT TO RAIN'S CONCERT AND OMGOSH, I POKED HIM. HAPPY.

Love,

vika

2011-04-17T03:49:00.002+08:00

Dear Crake,

I'm trembling, my body's trembling, I can feel my feet trembling. My hands - to the roots of my fingers. I hate this feeling. I'm scared. More than scared. I'm petrified. I need a hug, a tight, warm hug. Someone who can stop me. Stop my body from trembling. I'm struggling as I type this. But I know I'll feel so much better after ranting everything here. You're my only best virtual friend. Hmph, such an irony, because every time something stupid, the first few people I think of will never be there for me. I only have you, Crake. Because no matter what, I can make you be there for me.

Everything starts to feel like a lie. I'm disappointed and it gets more disappointing every night. I'm not happy but yet I pretend that I am. Initially, I don't have to pretend, I just had to be myself. Why am I unknowingly, turning into somebody else, pretending to be somebody else, AGAIN?

I want to pray every night and I hope he's hearing me. I believe in him and I really hope he's listening. I'm never more than sure about this in my life but it's getting so difficult I find it hard to cope sometimes.

Please hear my prayers because I need your help, I need you to keep a look out for me - open a bigger route. I'm never more than sure I want this. So don't force me to give up anymore. I'm don't want to. If I can show you that I will never give up no matter how hard it gets, will you shine your light brighter for my prayers to be heard? Will you shine it higher, at a wider horizon, for my prayers to come true? All I need is for you to give the opportunity. That's all. Whether the opportunity will be utilized well will be up to the effort, you don't have to worry about that. Will you help me?

Love,

vika

2011-04-17T00:54:00.001+08:00

Dear Crake,

School's starting in less than 2 days' time. Feels kinda weird but I'm kinda happy because I'm finally schooling again. Wish me luck :D

Updates : I've quit my part time jobbed. figuratively killed the manager. And I've been feeling horrible and shit'ed up.

Love,

vika

I'M BACK

2011-04-07T22:24:00.002+08:00

Dear Crake,

This blog's been dead. I KNOW. It's because I have been busy for the first few days after my last post and after that I had to fly back to Indonesia, Dumai :D

HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY. I'm finally back to my hometown after so long. It's been almost 3 years since I've gone back PROPERLY to visit all my relatives. I know I did go back about 2 years ago to attend my cousin's wedding but not everyone was there ): So this time, I've seen everyone. HAPPY. And of course, there is a saddening news - my kopo died.

So, I've gained weight - defnitely. My sister was cussing and hoping that I'll gain 5kg afMater I come back because sadly, both my sister and brother couldn't go back with me this year. But I didn't gain 5kg. HAHA. I just gained weight, about 2 -3kg? I hope I can lose weight ASAP. I mean, there's nothing much to eat in Singapore for me. So, i'll just have to speed up the weight losing thing by jogging everyday. The dieting is already automatic. LOL. But I'm not sure if I'll be dieting at all because we brought back a lot of INDOfood. So. that sucks. I'll still be fat for some time ):

I brought back my gramma and my cousin's wife and niece! My niece is just so cute everyday I'm waking up hoping that I'll see her so I can play with her! This sounds gay, but it makes me kinda wanna have a baby. LOL.

Well, I'm so tired now. I think I'm gonna get prepared to sleep now. On a side note, the updates of my working life. I slapped the resignation letter right at my manager!

Nah, I'm not that mean. I just passed it on to him and he tried to talk me out of it and gave me some stupid long talking session of 25 minutes. And then he gave the letter back to me and tell me to do what he told me to do to my dad. When I went home, I didn't. I just changed the effective date of my letter and re-printed it and gave it back to him the next day. He's gonna run out of staff. That sucks.

Howell, goodnight Crake, I love you,

vika

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY (:

2011-03-21T15:39:00.003+08:00

Dear Crake,

YES CRAKE, it's my birthday. I am 17! And I'm still not feeling a thing. I don't know why. In Indonesia, I should be getting my IC right now and I am legally able to drive now. So, I'm still not feeling a thing. I'm just feeling like, ' yes, I'm a year older and uhh.. yah.. 17 ' Just don't feel excited at all. I don't know why. And I've spent half the day - or more than that, sleeping and waking up and couching with American Idol. -.- No plans till tonight at 7pm, whereby my sister and my brother will FINALLY BE HOME so that we can have a simple celebration. I'm happy with those simple celebrations actually. HEHEHE (:

So, like any other years, I'm not gonna go outside and start burning the world or be crazy and be stupid somewhere. I'm just gonna lie down and hope that my headache will feel better. It's not getting any better, I don't know why ):

But there has been celebrations done for my birthday:

The first one was on the 18th March - JIASHENG's birthday, together with our clique of 10. Just talked and ranted and be stupid and we went home. And of course we've got birthday presents. KEKEKE! Jiasheng's got a FRED PERRY WALLET while I get an angelic little cup with a photo frame with our photo. THANKYOU (:

The second was yesterday when my family and I went out to feast the whole evening. CHOMP CHOMP (: and desserts and more korean food at marina bay sands. We were practically, eating all the time. Even though I was so full I just can't resist that temptation. GOD. And my birthday present? A RED TOUR BEATS BY DR DRE and I haven't opened it yet. HAHA.

Yep yep, so I'm just happy enough (: Then there was a phone talk till 12 am and then the happy birthday wish. Happy. Then after I received spammed text messages from Jiasheng, wishing me a happy birthday and then he did the same right at Facebook. So I decided to get myself to sleep at 1am after liking and thanking all of the people who wished me right at facebook. The total number of facebook notifications to current time 3.56pm is 105. I turned my itouch and blackberry off and just went off to sleep. Way too much.

So I'm left with EDELWEISS BFFL's celebration with me. When is it coming? KEKEKE!

The unpleasant thing that happened at the break of dawn today was that while I was in the middle of my sleep, I felt something grab my neck from behind, trying to lift me of the bed. ( I was lying down with my back facing upwards ) I don't know where that stupid force came from, but I really felt that the part of my body from the head to the shoulder was already lifted off the bed. The moment my brain realized that, I resisted and turned my whole body the other way round and faced the ceiling. The whole unknown source of force just stopped the moment I turned my whole body and I'm left with facing nothing-ness towards the ceiling.

Weird.

So I didn't have a good sleep. Feeling so shagged and tired right now. It's been 4 days of disrupted sleeping and I'm wondering when will I get my undisrupted sleeping. So Crake, pray for me.

Love you,

vika.

THE EMOTIONAL PHASE.

2011-03-17T23:31:00.009+08:00

Dear Crake,

I think this is going to be a very very long entry, so.. love it? hate it? I don't care.

Just as I thought I'd be at the lowest point of my roller coaster ride then...

BUT NOPE.

Might be right now? Just right now? I don't know, it can get worst, I don't want to feel too glad that this is the lowest point yet; I'll probably get another breakdown if I do.

Don't know when the hell I'm gonna get to sleep tonight. I can feel that stressed-up-shit-feeling building up inside from my heart; it's going right up to my brain. I can feel a vein popping right now. That's how bad it is Crake. Not to the point I feel like dying right now. I mean, anyone who gets emoistic always goes ' I wanna die ' and everything stupid but then eventually they don't literally do it - stupid -.- So again, why do you wanna say you wanna die?

Right, back to my current condition : Other than the vein popping sensation I'm feeling right now? It feels like my breath is being sucked back right into my stomach or something, it cant seem to release itself? and I am, or was, literally breaking down. With the hand clenching on to my popping vein, and the other trying to suppress the pain somewhere down in the heart.

Umm...

I might be an insane, sadistic and emotionally psychotic whole load of pathetic shit right now, but that's what I asked for. Like I said earlier this year ' hit me with your best shot, I'm ready to get hit by anything and everything right now. ' Yeah, I'm freakin' ready alright! And I mean it! because I want to accept such challenges. So when I get hit right on the face, I'll feel emotional and everything but I'll make my way back up and move on or change.It makes me stronger person. That's what makes the hit-me-right-at-my-face thing worth it. Okay, so I've just received the hit-me-right-at-my-face thing alright. I'm at the emoistic phase right now.

But still. I'm a kid, turning 17. Not a big of a deal right here. ( Probably a big deal in Indonesia because 17 in there is like being 18 in Singapore, you're legal, like finally!) Like I said, I'm still a kid. A freakin' growin' kid. So spare my teenhood just a little bit and let me be a happier person for just a little bit longer? I might be selfish but what the hell, the whole world's filled up with people like me. I'm thankful though, because I have been a happy person from January this year, until now - TODAY, 17th MARCH 2011. I'm really thankful. And that amount of happiness? It can never measure up to this pathetic, little emoitic shit I'm feeling right now. Really. This shit I'm feeling right now is not even an ounce worth of the happiness I'm going through. So looking on the bright side, I'm happy - supposedly , beautiful and blessed.

Okay, so from here on, I'm gonna write what happened.

*WARNING*

IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE A WHOLE LOAD OF VULGARITIES, BLUNT-CRITICISM AND ACCUSATIONS LINING UP RIGHT AT YOUR EYES FROM THE SCREEN, YOU DO NOT CONTINUE READING FROM THIS POINT ON. BECAUSE IT WILL DEFINITELY MAKE YOU FEEL ANGRY AND IT WILL NOT BE WORTH IT FOR YOU. IF YOUR EMOTIONS ARE FREE TO FLOW RIGHT NOW, YOU MAY CONTINUE AND ENJOY OR SUFFER THE REST OF MY ENTRY. HOWEVER, I WILL NOT BE RESPONSIBLE OR LIABLE FOR ANY EMOTIONAL INJURIES OR VIEW INJURIES CAUSED. THE RIGHTS ARE ULTIMATELY MINE BECAUSE IT IS MY BLOG.

So, I received a freaking phone call feeling all so happy at first. And then it turns out of to be a whole load of shit because firstly, I heard you are going to let yourself to be stuck in that fuckin' place I CONDEMN SO BADLY - for the rest of your life and I have to live with it because I promised to support it no matter what the shit hell's gonna happen. Secondly, I'm not gonna have a chance to talk to you until I don't know the fucking days later. and what do I mean by talking to you? FACE TO FACE. Okay, the phone call thing is whatever, it keeps me numb. BUT, the face to face thing is ESSENTIAL, MORE than essential, it's a LIFE-AND-DEATH matter - thank you. I have to do my best not to sound sad because I know you're worse off than me right now. But you know, I'm not very good at it sometimes because it will definitely get leaked out because I can't hide everything, especially my feelings, okay? Thirdly, I haven't heard of your full proof plan, where the fuck is it? and you are making the decision as it is? No discussion? uhh, SO, where is the we in this? where am I in this shit? I'm not feeling like I'm a part of this the moment I heard you say that. I feel like, I'm just a fucking messenger. WHAT. THE. FUCK. _|_

Again, I'm not too positive about that fuckin' place. I condemn that fucking place. And I do want to literally burn that fucking place if I could. Get the picture everyone? It sucks. Okay? I don't fucking care how the big bucks' are that's gonna come right into your hand every month. What concerns me most - or you could say, the thing that makes me MIND the whole thing, is that you are willing to get your life tied down in that CONDEMNED-PLACE for the rest of your life for that fucking shit money. I rather you have your life, throw the fucking money, and live life. It's not fucking worth it. I mean, for me, not knowing the full picture and the whole situation and everything, that's what I see; That's what I'm going to conclude bluntly for now.

So, give me the full picture. Give me the pros and cons. I mean, if you attend talks about it from the self-providers, it is like -.- That's what you call self-praising and self-protection. They only talk the GOOD about it to attract you because from what I know of, they are lacking manpower and hence, they need to attract more people before it fucking topples up.I don't know. Seriously, I'm fucking pissed off and it's fucking not worth it because you are obviously worth more than that fucking shit. AND! To top that of, because it's you, it makes me feel so down right now. It makes me want to run around and kill people. But I'm just gonna say that figuratively because it's never gonna happen. I might be a sadist but I don't intentionally harm people.

I AM DISAPPOINTED. because I feel like I'm not a part of it, I'm just a meaningless load of fucking shit, watching and waiting for decisions to be made but I'm not a part of the decision-maker. I don't know how the fuck I'm going to make myself to recover from this sudden load of information. You heal me.

And I have a confession. I am emotionally stressed. Do not push me to the point where I can't get myself back up to my standing point. Worst still, do not push me to the point where you can't carry me up. I am definitely emotionally stressed. This thing is not for someone of my age to handle and I am really trying my best to. I'm still a fucking kid. A fucking 16 year old kid.

*WHOLE LOAD OF VULGARITIES, BLUNT-CRITICISM AND ACCUSATIONS COMPLETED*

Other than talking about my emotional roller coaster: Today, I woke up feeling like I'm sick and I just want to lie in bed all day. I have this headache coming in and I don't when it's gonna end. But it really makes me not want to do things. My initial plan after coming home from the brunch and tee-shirt making today was to play the piano. But the moment I reached home, I watched American Idol Season 10 and fell asleep the moment the last contestant sang. I woke up at 9pm and continued using my lappy, hoping that I'm gonna feel better soon so that I can get on with my theory and then probably finish up a few more pieces. But sadly, I CAN'T. The headache's really stopping me from doing anything but just to lie down and be stupid. Hopefully I won't wake up like that tomorrow or I'll have to give it a miss. To top that off, I have a gathering for JIASHENG'S BIRTHDAY TOMORROW (: AND I'm definitely broke from spending money on my TEEs, so I'm gonna rip it off my mum tomorrow - nah, I'll ask nicely (: I'll be leaving at 4. So I have less than an hour to practice tomorrow ): WHICH MEANS I HAVE TO WAKE UP EARLY AT LIKE 8 to 9 am or something to drill my fingers. DARN. It's 1.18am right now and I doubt I can get myself to sleep. Feeling so cold and feverish right now when there isn't a single blow of a wind. Screw this.

Love you most Crake,

vika

Ability, Capability.

2011-03-16T13:01:00.003+08:00

Dear Crake,

I always thought I could change the world. I thought I'll probably start by shaping the thoughts and the minds of the people around me. I'll do it by example, not by force. If they're willing to follow me, it shows that I've created a change because I believe these people will pass it on to the next, and the next will pass it on to the next. Eventually, it MIGHT become big. Even though the change might be little, at least I know I tried my best to make a change instead of allowing it to stay the way it is. And when people see the change, I'll feel the sense of achievement. I don't need acknowledgements, I just want to see the world become a better place and I'll feel just glad.

I never let my thoughts, for once, limit myself to do things. I never limit my thoughts either. Instead, I let it run its colours as far as it can. If I were to limit my thoughts, I won't be able to think further and deeper. Neither will I be able to do things that I never thought I could do. But if I let my thoughts limit myself to do things, then it questions my capability and my ability! I want to able to do anything and everything I can because I know I have the ability to do anything and everything. We know that anyone in this world has that ability. It ain't just me. I will do it as long as I am capable enough to do it. I'll go to the end of the world to be capable just so that I can do anything and everything. But I will never use anyone, step on anyone, kill anyone, make anyone suffer just to do anything and everything because I still want to make the world a better place. That, was me.

Crake, don't you think that is the best and at the same time, the scariest part of me? The best because with this thinking, I can make myself go far because I'll walk the most rocky, muddy, roads that has the most false grounds, if that is the only way to make me reach my goal. No matter how flat I fall, how deep I fall, I'll still be able to get up and find another route. I'll still be a survivor. I'll still find my way to climb all the way up to the highest mountain. The scariest because I'm a just a tiny, little girl that has too much energy, too much passion and way too much of a dream and goal burning inside of me that I can be a threat! A threat to everyone. They'll be afraid to get too close with me, afraid to come after me, afraid to be friends with me, afraid to be with me. I'll lose everyone.

The scariest thoughts I'm having now? I'm beginning to let my own thoughts limit me. Because I don't want to be more capable that you. I don't want to be more able than you. I don't want to be more successful than you. Because I do not want to end up being forced to leave you. I'm afraid to go far because I don't want to be a somebody anymore. I just want to be a nobody. I don't want to lose anyone, especially you. I am going against myself because I want to stay right beside you. I used to make you think just like me, to go far, to reach beyond the skies, beyond the planet. But now I'm starting to make myself think just the opposite. The only thing that can make my thoughts go back to how it used to be is you and that is going to be hard because I don't want to.

Does anyone actually know how this feels? That I want to be a somebody and yet I have to force myself to be a nobody?

Much love,

vika.

2011-03-15T16:02:00.003+08:00

Dear Crake,

Hello, I have been busy I guess.. So that's why I haven't been able to blog. Umm, I've got my lappy?! KEKEKE :D My toshiba dream wasn't fulfilled because they said it's gonna come in somewhere in mid-april. So therefore, it won't come in time. So I decided not to get it. So I went to NP's convention centre and got myself a LENOVO instead. I think I wanna call Karen, I don't know why. Hopefully my lenovo is a girl after I checked it's sexuality. If it turns out to be a boy, my LENOVO BOY is gonna have a gay name called KAREN D:

So take a look :

So this year's first IT fair? I went there for 3 days out of the 4 ( uhh...-.- ) and I came out of there with nothing |: So now, I'm just left with getting myself an external hard disk and a cooling pad. *hopes*

Ok, that's all about the lappy stuff.

Moving on, is the emo talk I'll have with Crake again.

Lately I find myself stuck in a whole load of shit. Must be because I'm at the lowest point of my roller coaster ride right now. So I'm just feeling all fine and am trying my best to accept it for whatever it is.

I don't know what you've turned into. It makes me pissed and it makes me not want to bother about you and your stupid life. Like my sister said, ' wondering when he's gonna grow out of it ' I wonder too. I need you to come back to your old self before you continue hurting me and bringing our relationship into something unmendable. But for now, it makes me don't want to talk to you, seriously.

Another thing is.. I'll prolly talk about it another day Crake. Too overwhelmed now.

So TATA, I love you Crake,

vika.

2011-03-10T21:24:00.002+08:00

Dear Crake,

woke up at 10 am in the morning. AGAIN D: Not getting enough sleep and I'm not feeling any better. Freakshow.

Anyway, I had lunch with mum. LIKE FINALLY. Bought all our daily necessities and then I told her I want to get my butt right into Suntec City Convention Centre to take a look at the IT fair. So I went alone. Saw a few MF people giving out flyers. *shocked* Plugged in my earpieces and walked right into the Hall. Acer. Toshiba. Sony. Lenovo. MSI. ASUS. HP. Everything and anything. All I wanted to see was Acer and probably, Toshiba. But I took all of their flyers anyways.

Quite a horrible experience though. All I wanted to do was just poke a few notebooks and take a hold of them to feel their weight and imagine it with the battery on. BUT. Before I could even do that, those salesperson were already coming right at you, attacking you right in the face and asking you ' you wanna get this notebook? ...... ' and start blabbering about it's specifications and all of the free gifts that comes along with it. -.- Dude. Chill. Let me take a look and I'll come back to you asking all the questions I have and you can answer as much as you want. GOD. I plugged in both my ears with the earpiece and there were still some of them trying to talk to me. ( dude. I got them blasted. I can't hear you. )

But yeah. I have narrowed it down to two already. One will be TOSHIBA. If I can't get that one tomorrow. Then I'm going for NP's LENOVO. THE END. GET THE IT OVER WITH!

Love,

vika.

2011-03-09T22:10:00.001+08:00

Dear Crake,

okay, finally had the time off to blog. I've been quite busy. But I don't know what I've been doing. I still have time to Tumblr, Facebook and do a little twitter'ing. But yeah, I just do not have enough time for blogging because each time I blog, I need a little more time. For inspiration? Maybe?

Anyway, I'm feeling a little sick right now. Feel like a fever's coming down soon but I don't know. It's not happening. It's been like this for the past 3 days since Monday, the day Mum and Dad and sister took off and left me here to accompany my brother. I can't even go to work, so I had to stay home and do nothing.

Monday was EDELWEISS BFFL day. LOL. I woke up late but managed to rush out and reach Bishan MRT by 12.30. SO I WONT OWE HER ANY ICECREAM :P and then we went to eat sushi again. LOL, tried the dessert and felt that the previous ones were better because they were less sickening. There was a lot of talking to do. LOL. Endless things to talk about every time we meet up. Then she had to work, so I went back to Novena to look around and in less than half an hour she called back and said she's having her break at that time. So I went back and we talked some more until her break's over. And then the rest of the day is just rubbishing around and wasting my time.

Tuesday was surprising. The moment I woke up, I told myself to get back to sleep because it's way too early and I'm not gonna have any plans for the rest of the day. Might as well go sleep the day away. But I couldn't sleep. So I just woke up and did the laundry, ironing, everything and anything I see in the house that I can clean up. But the most crucial thing I forgot? Mopping the floor * piak forehead * stupid of me. But then throughout the afternoon, I got a surprise because I can finally text and all of that for the whole day with you. And then I could go out for lunch and take a good look at you. And then come back home feeling bored and all stupid again. And then throughout the late afternoon to NIGHT, it was just hell. Waiting and waiting and realized that it was all for nothing. And when you finally called me. I felt angry. Probably forgotten about me? I don't know. Just felt angry because all I did was couch and wait and wait and wait. AND WAIT SOME MORE. Then you had to go. So the talk was left there, hanging. And I felt angry for the next 1.5 hours until you called me again.... but the moment you called me and started talking about all of that, all my anger just seem to go away and it never came back. I just felt stupid for being angry. Because the least I could do is to actually SHUT UP and STOP creating more problems for you. I don't want to be the problem. FML.

And then today. The worst. Woke up quite early again. I think my body clock limits me to sleep more. So the latest timing I will be awake is 11 am. Usual timing I wake up is 9.30 to 10 am. No matter how late I sleep, it's just gonna end up like that. Dark circles are starting to form under my eyes now. I think the bags will appear soon if I don't sleep early. I woke up feeling terrible because I've gotten more sick. Both my ears start to hurt, my throat. Both my nostrils are blocked. Horrible. My head feels heavy I feel like turning my head into my legs so I can walk in them instead and feel less heavy up there. I don't know when the fever's gonna kick in. But seriously, I hate this ' halfway ' feeling. It's like I'm being tortured SLOWLY. Urgh. Kill me. But the good news, Mum's finally back. I MISS HER D: She was on the phone with my Dad and she said that she's having fever already and I said ' GOOD MUM, WE CAN SICK TOGETHER. ' Literally gave her the :D face.

Yep, I have just completed my enrollment form online. Submitted and I am going to rot some more now. Just need to mail in my compulsory forms and the rest are done. I'll just have to wait my tuition grant appointment letter thing. Don't know when it's gonna come but I'll just wait.

Still searching for my lappy. Time's running out. Gonna do it tomorrow. Once and for all. Maybe go to suntec's convention centre and get and one. Get it over with. And then I have just one last thing to do and I'm ready to go to school (:

Love you Crake,

vika

2011-02-28T23:30:00.003+08:00

Dear Crake,

I had a great day with Brenda today. Even though i'm feeling all so tired right now..

Well, we tried to eat alot today and surprisingly, we couldn't. Neither sushi tei nor xinwang could do that. And that's ABNORMAL because when we're together, we eat A LOT. like SERIOUSLY ALOT. and today? We couldn't finish our food and that sucks because we're wasting food. It's really ABNORMAL because we always eat a lot.

So we were looking for laptops. I was considering Toshiba, Acer, Samsung or MAC. NO MORE SONY. I'll kill myself. As much as this vaio is pink and pretty, I DO NOT WANT A SONY LAPTOP ANYMORE. So we went to loads and loads of places and the most memorable today? BEST DENKI AT TAKA. Freakin hell yeah when I saw this little notebook of acer's I was sure it's gonna be super light ( the number 1 requirement for my new lappy ) !! I told Brenda ' wow, brenda, this is gonna be good ' and as I flipped over the cover, I see RED plated cover with a YELLOW FERRARI logo right at the centre and I'm like ' FREAK, IT'S ACER FERRARI! ' Darn it. It's red and seriously sexy. JUST LOOK AT IT :

SEXY! DON'T YOU THINK?! Furthermore, the specifications are really good. Good enough for my current requirement. Maybe the thing I'm sad about it's just that it doesn't have a dvd drive implanted? And that it can get really, really hot - duh, it's sexy. LOL. But yeah, there's just a lot of other things I'm unhappy about with this Ferrari.

Other than that, we tried to clear our doubts on mac book. But looking at the other notebooks, they can be greater. Like what the hell, it makes me and Brenda more confused - don't know what to get.

I think I'm gonna use the next few days to look at other notebooks. Who knows, I'll probably love them more than this Ferrari. HEHE (:

We did a little shopping too. Haha, bought all her facial stuff since her face cracked ): And then some clothes and ear studs. We got this identical cute ones. HAPPY :D There were neoprints too. LOL. See, this is the thing about girls ; we have too many things to invest on, it makes us the most money making thing in today's world.

Finally, I'd like to say that I'm sleepy and am really extremely tired. I don't know why. Even though I slept for more than ten hours yesterday, I'm still feeling so tired that I think I'll knock out the moment I lie down on my bed. But what the hell right, that's what I want to feel. So that I won't be able to think about anything and just get myself to bed every time I come home :D

Love you always,

vika

Happiness

2011-02-27T21:16:00.004+08:00

Dear Crake,

I've been... BUSY? Can I say that? LOL. Cause I'm barely spending my time at home which explains why I have no time for tumblring or blogging. Apart from getting killed by my mum every other day for coming home so late, I'm leading a happy life. With a few other restrictions but I still have my work life and friends and dance classes which gives me excuses to run away from home. It's not that home's no good. With 4 months of rubbishing around, I'll kill myself if I don't spend my time outside and besides! It's good for my eyes ( since I'm not gonna spend 75% of my day by the laptop :D )

The past few days : Awesome + Good + Magical + Surprising! To put it simply, HAPPY. So freaking happy. If life can go on like this every other day, I do not mind sacrificing a little bit of something for it. Anything at all. Cause I don't want to be stupid and live a life that's not supposed to be mine. Pretend to be someone else. Carry a humongous baggage. Thinking of killing people and probably wanting to get a knife or something to drug myself to death. I dunno, it's stupid. HAPPY with the surprise I got (: Like so unexpected. Have been so depressed over it the whole night that I had to claim my peanut butter cookies and cream milkshake. AND THEN SOME IDIOT!!!! (:

I think I'm getting too old and less flexible. NO GOOD. Dance lesson has gotten more violent ( like finally! ) and that resulted in my right arm and both my thighs to be in so much pain today. What happened to the times when I have a stamina of a robot that I beat half the guys in my class? What happened to the times when my body's so toned that I had the curves on my arms and legs? Damn it. I think it's time for me to set a side a 'ME' time. This 'ME' time shall be jogging/body tone up session for me. I shall get my stamina back on track. I don't want to be a noob ):

The plan tomorrow : OUT WITH BRENDA DAY. Whopee, gonna stare at a few laptops cause we plan to get new ones for our upcoming POLY life. Sadly, I'm afraid there's only 1 in a 20 chance of me getting into the same class as her ): CRAKE, IF YOU'RE FRIENDS WITH GOD, TELL HIM THAT I'D VERY MUCH LIKE TO BE IN THE SAME CLASS AS BRENDA. Or at least, with someone I know. Not much to ask right?? *doggy pouts* PLEASEE!! Another thing? Kinda afraid my mum'll say NO to my outing day with brenda. shit ):

The sucky part? For the next 4 days, life's gonna suck for me. I need to start finding things to do. Probably spend all the spare time on my piano, and the remaining on work and maybe the planned 'ME' time? I don't know if the time'll pass by fast enough though D: * GROANS *

THE BEST PART : I got my heart to heart talk ♥

I promised and so I love you Crake,

vika

2011-02-25T18:59:00.002+08:00

Dear Crake,

gave piano lesson a skip. A bad headache, and flu. terrible.

Everything that happened for the past week has been happening so fast I thought it's only been a day. Haha.

There's so much to say but my headache's really preventing me from doing this ): Oh well, till the next time then.

love,

vika

How much do I know you?

2011-02-17T13:12:00.004+08:00

Dear Crake,

the plan was to drill my fingers for the next 10 hours and practice by the piano but my mum woke me up this morning and asked me to accompany her to pray since it's the 15th of the lunar calendar. So I got up, prepared myself and there was a change of plan. She decided to go pray by herself while I get myself to Thomson Plaza and pick up our yu sheng since we were late. Then I spent an alone time by KFC, people watching, and went home alone.

Been lying on the sofa for the past two hours reading someone's blog. Don't question me because I've been questioning myself for the past two hours as I was reading the person's blog at the same time. I just can't help it, I had to dig it all out.

For the past two hours, there's been a battle between my heart and my brain ;

Why are you reading this blog?

- I don't know, I'm just bored and I have to know what used to happen.

You know you'll hurt yourself if you continue reading, what are you trying to do?

- I don't know, I just need to know about the past, i can't be blind about this okay.

Please stop reading, it's getting really bad.

- I don't care if it'll hurt me, it's better than not knowing anything. It's better to hurt now than later.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

-----

Dude it's all over your face now, I think anyone can see that now, stop it.

- leave me alone, I need to do this.

Honestly, I kinda regretted what I did. Thanks to my stupid heart, I'm lying down on the bed with my lappy right now, writing my heart out to this virtual friend of mine. But I kinda do not regret it because it made me stop running for awhile, it made me slow down to give it a thought. I just don't wanna face this alone because I feel afraid. but sometimes in life, you have to do this alone.

I don't know why Crake, I just had to know. I don't know why I needed to know Crake, it's just that I do not want to be blind and be kept in the dark. Even though it's in the past, I still had to know because what's in the past nurtures you to be what you are right now. And whatever you are right now is going to be tattooed right on my life soon.

Yes, "how much do know him? How well do you actually know him?" That's the scariest question anyone can ask me. Because I myself can't answer that. I've been asking myself that and I can't give a solid answer to that. Everything's happening too fast. In reality,these things have happened within a month and a half. Just a month and a half. But why does it feel like it has been happening for a long time? Like it has been going on since forever that I can't even remember how long ago it has started.

In storybooks that I've read, the things the author write has a timeline of only a month. And so many things happens within that month. I always used to think that they're storybooks, they're fairytales, they won't actually happen in life. But why is it happening to me right now? I feel that I could relate to those books I've read. It felt like a deja vu, like I'm in a play, like I'm the main character.

It's going to be two weeks soon and I missed the times I used to have with you. I want a heart to heart talk. I want to lie down on a wide plain field of green grasses in my shades, watching the play-dance of the clouds in skies, talking to you about everything.I want us to talk about everything till the sun starts to set and I don't care whether the things we talk about are going to be sad or happy because I know I can cry and laugh since you'll be right by my side to share these emotions with me. Even though it's been such a short time, I'd like to use the rest of my lifetime to know you and know you well enough before we go on to the next step. I'd like you to tell me more about your past so that I know what you are. I'd like to clear all my doubts and curiosities of you before we go on to the next step.

It might sound cliche to everyone else, but this time it feels different to me. I'm hoping that you feel the same way as I do because I feel that you do feel that way. I've wasted enough time. I don't want to go running around wasting anymore time looking around. We've been revolving around each other for such a long time and it's only now that we've met.

I guess he had his plans and I'm thankful for whatever he's gonna throw on me because I grow each time he throws these things to me. So, I CAN'T WAIT FOR MORE :D

Lastly, I know you won't be reading this because you won't have the time to. HAHA :P and I do want to find out how you feel before you try reading this. At least I know that you didn't lie and it's mutual (:

EXCITED.

That's all for now Crake, my virtual friend, I shall practice my piano now.

I love you as always Crake,

vika.

2011-02-15T15:15:00.002+08:00

Dear Crake,

Met the clique last Sunday and I had to go for my family day at 5.30 ): Felt so sad because there's so much to say but there's so little time D: BUT I ENJOYED EVERY MINUTE I HAD WITH THEM. THANK YOU FOR THE V-DAY'S GIFTS :D

Spent the whole morning making a birthday card and I'm still not done with them. HAHA. need to get more papers and such. Gonna do that now, so TATA :D

love,

vika

2011-02-07T01:13:00.002+08:00

Dear Crake,

I've been busy every day else I couldn't even touch my lappy. It's been lying there for the past week and I didn't even have time to take a look at it. The routine has been wake up, prepare, out of house, back to house, bathe, lie down, fall asleep. Only my bb's with me at all times. LOL. I kinda start to think that I probably won't be able to live if someone took my bb away. One minute will be like one day or something.

Well, it's Chinese New Year! So.

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR TO ALL :D

My family just spend the eve of new year like the way we spend it on every other year when we're stuck in Singapore. We've been stuck in Singapore for like 3 years? or 4? I don't know. I kinda miss the way we spend it back in Indonesia. It's more happy. Not that Singapore's no good, it's just that my relatives are in Indonesia. So when we spend it there, it'll be less boring. We'll be more crazy together. I wonder when am I gonna step foot on Dumai ever again. The thought of it makes me sad because I miss my home. I'll never be ready to say goodbye to that place.

We spent day 1 together in the temple. Ran into tommi and fam. The first thing he said was ' after 1 hour, we're finally done. ' Every year we had to do this praying thing. Like kneel down while the monk do the praying for us. The kneeling actually lasts for about half an hour. So when we came in, they were done and Tommi was lamenting because they had to queue before they get their turn to kneel down and let the monk do the praying. I find him super cute sometimes. HAHA. So we did the same and we spent the whole afternoon doing that. Then evening was really sinful, a big fat meal which left my stomach bloating for the whole night.

Day 2 was just plain. We went to the airpot, sent my Dad off. The rest of the afternoon was just waiting for my aunt to come over with my cousins so that we can play mahjong and do shit together. FUN but we didn't get to spend that much of a time since they needed to leave early ):

Day 3 was whatever.

And Day 4, today! It was our turn to bai nian at my cousin's house and I was busy spamming ice tycoon using my mum's iphone. The battery was drained from 98% to 33% and she was like ' what did you do?! Charge! ' and I borrowed my cousin's one. Then we spammed her ipad which made me wanna get one too D: It's okay, I will remain faithful to my dearest itouch. But the gaming experience was like WOW because the screen's big and everything's so much clearer. Another sinful night earlier on. There was another dinner event where my cousin's family's invited and then they invited us. So my mother and I joined in and oh my gosh. I didn't regret that I chose to go though because I MET JANET JACKSON. LIKE MICHAEL JACKSON'S SISTER. HOT WOMAN. REALLY HOT. HOT AND SEXY! There were others too. such as Sun nan, zhang hui mei, eric tsang, carol cheng, quan yi feng and there was another guy. Handsome but forgot his name. I'm no good at chinese names. Took so much photos that I have to start editing them later if I have time. But looking at the time, I don't think I'll be doing it tonight ): So,watch out for their photos as I'll be uploading them on facebook. Like OH MY GOD!!!hahaha

Okay, I'm done now. TATA FOR NOW!

love,

vika

2011-01-28T14:13:00.002+08:00

Dear Crake,

On the 26th, I woke up at 9am. As usual, I took my phone. It was a shock because there was a whole bomb of text messages coming in. I opened from the top and all of them were asking me ' WHERE ARE YOU POSTED TO?! ' I replied ' how to check ' stupidly. I each text messages until I reached the earliest and the text says

' MOE : DEVIKA DARMIN, you are posted to NGEEN ANN POLY, BUSINESS STUDIES (N45) under 2011 JAE '

*squeals**jump for joy**screams*

KYAA!! I WAS SO EXCITED. I text back everyone my postings and then called some idiot to tell him where I was posted to. HAHAHAHA :D

Ever since I submitted the JAE form, I regretted one thing : putting banking and financial service as my second choice. I was stupid enough to do that. So everyday I was praying so hard, ' let it be business studies. let it be business studies. '

Still feeling overjoyed now. Most importantly it's because I think I'm having a good day because I finally slept so well yesterday - even though it's not enough, after like I don't know how many months. I have finally put away some of the baggages I've been carrying by myself. I should have said all this shit out earlier because now, I'm feeling so much lighter.... SO HAPPY!

Love,

vika

2011-01-24T00:15:00.002+08:00

Dear Crake,

GAWD, there hasn't been much time for me to come over to blog and update this.

So yesterday when I was working, I saw this Gladys face come right into Billy Bombers. I'm like what is she doing in Cathay but I think I do know why. DANCE CLASS!!! So she and her friend stared at the menu and gladys ask her friend whether she want to eat there and the friend went shaking her head. HAHAHA. It's okay, I wouldn't go dine there either! HAHAH!

Lately, I have been feeling like shit. For the past week, it's not that I haven't been practicing you know. I practiced like hell. But when Friday came, I looked at myself and I realised, I didn't make any progress but my fingers hurts like hell. I have put in effort to this but then it just didn't happen for me ): I bail out half an hour before the lesson and decided to give myself another week to climb back up. If it's still not happening, I'll totally give up on myself and feel like --- more than a shit.

Well! I'm tired already. SO TATA FOR NOW!

Love,

vika

2011-01-22T15:41:00.003+08:00

Dear Crake,

I finally have the chance to blog again! HAHA, I haven't had the time ):

So to be continued?

Here it is!

So the next day, I had chalet with my graduating class '10 and Ms Mok came in to visit us. Then I realized, I'll miss her a lot. I am starting to think that I'm growing older but is my thinking, growing at the same speed as my growth of age or any faster? I don't know.

Sometimes I look back to my life and I feel that I have actually gone through a lot, that I have survived all this while and that I have gotten up from where I fell. What's more exciting, is that there's many more to go through and I can't wait for them to come and hit me in the face with their best shot.

to be continued...

Love,

vika

2011-01-16T01:25:00.002+08:00

Dear Crake,

A few days ago, I was back at old green school with my old green friends. We walked around the entire school. Every little corner had little memories in them. I couldn't help but to keep laughing at the stupid things we used to do. Bwahahaha. After 4 years and our form teacher could still remember our names clearly. I kinda miss her D:

And then yesterday, I was back with my classmates in a chalet. And my form teacher came. We sat and talked for awhile and she had to leave. I realized I'll miss her a lot. I kinda want to cry D:

Conclusion : I FEEL SO OLD D:

to be continued.

love,

vika

2011-01-13T23:36:00.002+08:00

Dear Crake,

I haven't been busy. It's just that, every time I turn on my lappy, I started to open my saved document to write up my own testimonial and start bragging about myself. Let's rewind for a bit.

Monday was the day I took my results for 'O' Levels. I was trembling all the way with Gladys. Clenching our hands together really hard and tight. Listening to the overview made by the principal crushed my heart. I start to feel myself crying and feeling like shit all over. I was the 5th to get my result and it felt quite terrible as my name was called out. As I walked, I started crying all over already because I felt death. Then Ms Mok said, ' it's okay, you didn't do that bad. Everything you have is a three ' I was thinking like ' FUCK, 18?!! ' and I cried like hell, I wasn't looking at the cert anymore. She just told me to sign my name and I got back to my own seat. Take a good look at my certificate and I felt better because there were 2 As.

However, it just wasn't good enough to meet the cut-off point for the course that I want so badly for the past year. I called my mum immediately and she told me ' good! good! ' when i felt it was BAD. It just didn't meet my expectations. When I went home, I sat down and thought for awhile and submitted my JAE form on that same night.

To double my chances, I decided to do JPSAE too. So, I downloaded the form and started to fill it all up. Writing my experiences and everything else that I have achieved. But after doing this for the past 3 days, writing and racking my brains, I thought of other factors. I could get to this course at all cost but if I got in, I will have to travel alot for the next three years. It will suck because I can't really leave this country for very long because I want to finish my piano. I don't want to have to give up my piano lessons for this. I kinda know it will affect my piano. I want to finish grade 8 and I'm still at 5.

I've woken up, I've stopped worrying about which course I'll end up with. As long as I end up with IBZ, BFS or BS, I would be fine. Because any one of these 3 will do me fine. I'm still handing in the JPSAE form to secure myself though. If I got into any of these 3 courses through JAE exercise, I wouldn't go for any interview anymore. I'd stick to it. International business is not the only way for me to travel around and learn people's culture and see how they communicate and do business. There are other ways to learn about their culture and ways of communication. I'll just have to start by understanding myself first.

love,

vika

2011-01-09T22:41:00.002+08:00

Dear Crake,

I slept on the sofa from yesterday night. My back hurt this morning. I don't know how I ended up sleeping on my mum's bed though. My brother said I started getting up the sofa at around 9am and i walked towards my mother's room to sleep. HAHAH! oh my gosh. Went to search for classes and courses available for *secret*. When we found the one with the right timing for the both of us, we extorted money right out of my mother's wallet and set off to Cathay to sign up for it. BAHAHAHA, after we did so, I was telling my brother ' I can't believe this, we are gonna kill ourselves ' But what to do... We were too interested in it!

Then we went to Vivo City, and we bought something stupid for my sister. She'll love it for sure. Even my brother feels that she will sleep with it and smear it with her saliva. HAHA.

Gosh, for the past few days the thought of getting 'O' Level results keep appearing in my thoughts. When it does, I start to tremble a little bit and feel just afraid. Afraid of the outcome. Afraid that it'll be just like when I took my PSLE results. My form teacher looked at me happily but the outcome didn't reach to my expectation. I'm feeling so nervous now, I wonder if I can get to sleep. Anyway, I will be meeting Brenda an hour before taking the results. Probably gonna scare each other and then go to school trembling together. HAHA.

Well yep! That's all for now, TATA.

loads of love,

vika

2011-01-05T23:57:00.002+08:00

Dear Crake,

Yesterday, when I was sitting in the bus towards AMK hub, I saw loads of students. They wore school uniform, with shirts tucked in and all their hair pulled up neatly. A new batch of students came in - the secondary 1 pupils. And then of course, the Secondary 3 students took over us. Seeing them in their uniforms and everything, I felt kinda weird because I wasn't wearing one. Most importantly, I was rotting at home all day long. No more school for the meanwhile D: How pathetic! Then I realised, those students that I saw were all younger than me. Oh my gosh, how did the time fly so fast that I forgot I was a graduate of Class 2010?! I'm getting OLD! I told my mum about it today. she laughed and said, ' then what? you wanna stay at 16 forever? ' I kinda want to. LOL. hahaha, I like to the way life is at 16. There's a little bit of a freedom here and there, and then some more restrictions. But it just feels right. Not many people will say so, though.

The problem with people is that when you're a kid, you watch grownups having their own say and everything, you kinda hope you can fast forward your life so that you'll be older immediately. But then grownups watch kids and hope that they can go back being a kid. That's how stupid we are ; always unhappy with what we have and then get jealous over the things that other people have and that we don't!

But at this age, I'm in the middle of nowhere. I love how it feels! As the days go by, I start to hope it'll stop for awhile because I don't want to start making big decisions on my own. When that day comes, I'll be so afraid because when it happens that the decisions I made were mistakes, nobody would come and save me. I'll be picking up the grains myself.

That's the problem with humans. But everyone love the way how it goes.

Loads of love,

vika

2011

2011-01-02T18:14:00.005+08:00

Dear Crake,

what should I say about 2010? I had great memories laughing, crying and being angry. Most importantly, every inch of 2010 was worth it to me. 2010 is an important year for me. Probably the same with most of my friends. What's amazing is that, it went by so fast that I thought I was dreaming.

In 2010, I realized that I put a few hours of everyday into studying. That's how much effort ( honestly ) I was putting into 'O' levels. I laughed whenever I felt that studying is going on very well and I cried whenever I felt that the pressure I put on myself is too much. So whatever the results that will come out right out of my effort should be satisfying.

Resolution number 1 : I will cry for my results, whatever it may be, happily.

In 2010, I realized that I wasted some of my days trying to cry over spilled milk. It took me days to get back on my feet with the help of my friends'. But now, I'm thinking that I'm stupid for crying over things that already happened. I'm stupid for crying over things that can never be go back to the way it used to look like. I'm stupid for crying over mistakes that I made.

Resolution number 2 : I will do my best not to cry over things that don't go my way and make do with it instead, and approach it in a positive way.

In 2010, I realized that I caused unhappiness towards the people that love me, and the people that I love. Whether it is because of the mistakes I have done that's unforgivable or whether it is because of the mistakes they have done, I should have made myself a better person by learning how to be patient. Because with patience, I will be able to make these people stay calm and solve the problems better.

Resolution number 3 : I will reflect on all the mistakes I make in future and learn from these mistakes to be a better person.

So people! It's 2011 now, MAY ALL YOUR NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS COME TRUE AND THAT THIS YEAR WILL BE SMOOTH SAILING FOR YOU!