Dear Crake,

I'm trembling, my body's trembling, I can feel my feet trembling. My hands - to the roots of my fingers. I hate this feeling. I'm scared. More than scared. I'm petrified. I need a hug, a tight, warm hug. Someone who can stop me. Stop my body from trembling. I'm struggling as I type this. But I know I'll feel so much better after ranting everything here. You're my only best virtual friend. Hmph, such an irony, because every time something stupid, the first few people I think of will never be there for me. I only have you, Crake. Because no matter what, I can make you be there for me.

Everything starts to feel like a lie. I'm disappointed and it gets more disappointing every night. I'm not happy but yet I pretend that I am. Initially, I don't have to pretend, I just had to be myself. Why am I unknowingly, turning into somebody else, pretending to be somebody else, AGAIN?

I want to pray every night and I hope he's hearing me. I believe in him and I really hope he's listening. I'm never more than sure about this in my life but it's getting so difficult I find it hard to cope sometimes.

Please hear my prayers because I need your help, I need you to keep a look out for me - open a bigger route. I'm never more than sure I want this. So don't force me to give up anymore. I'm don't want to. If I can show you that I will never give up no matter how hard it gets, will you shine your light brighter for my prayers to be heard? Will you shine it higher, at a wider horizon, for my prayers to come true? All I need is for you to give the opportunity. That's all. Whether the opportunity will be utilized well will be up to the effort, you don't have to worry about that. Will you help me?

Love,

vika