I think this is going to be a very very long entry, so.. love it? hate it? I don't care.
Just as I thought I'd be at the lowest point of my roller coaster ride then...
BUT NOPE.
Might be right now? Just right now? I don't know, it can get worst, I don't want to feel too glad that this is the lowest point yet; I'll probably get another breakdown if I do.
Don't know when the hell I'm gonna get to sleep tonight. I can feel that stressed-up-shit-feeling building up inside from my heart; it's going right up to my brain. I can feel a vein popping right now. That's how bad it is Crake. Not to the point I feel like dying right now. I mean, anyone who gets emoistic always goes ' I wanna die ' and everything stupid but then eventually they don't literally do it - stupid -.- So again, why do you wanna say you wanna die?
Right, back to my current condition : Other than the vein popping sensation I'm feeling right now? It feels like my breath is being sucked back right into my stomach or something, it cant seem to release itself? and I am, or was, literally breaking down. With the hand clenching on to my popping vein, and the other trying to suppress the pain somewhere down in the heart.
Umm...
I might be an insane, sadistic and emotionally psychotic whole load of pathetic shit right now, but that's what I asked for. Like I said earlier this year ' hit me with your best shot, I'm ready to get hit by anything and everything right now. ' Yeah, I'm freakin' ready alright! And I mean it! because I want to accept such challenges. So when I get hit right on the face, I'll feel emotional and everything but I'll make my way back up and move on or change.It makes me stronger person. That's what makes the hit-me-right-at-my-face thing worth it. Okay, so I've just received the hit-me-right-at-my-face thing alright. I'm at the emoistic phase right now.
But still. I'm a kid, turning 17. Not a big of a deal right here. ( Probably a big deal in Indonesia because 17 in there is like being 18 in Singapore, you're legal, like finally!) Like I said, I'm still a kid. A freakin' growin' kid. So spare my teenhood just a little bit and let me be a happier person for just a little bit longer? I might be selfish but what the hell, the whole world's filled up with people like me. I'm thankful though, because I have been a happy person from January this year, until now - TODAY, 17th MARCH 2011. I'm really thankful. And that amount of happiness? It can never measure up to this pathetic, little emoitic shit I'm feeling right now. Really. This shit I'm feeling right now is not even an ounce worth of the happiness I'm going through. So looking on the bright side, I'm happy - supposedly , beautiful and blessed.
Okay, so from here on, I'm gonna write what happened.
*WARNING*
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE A WHOLE LOAD OF VULGARITIES, BLUNT-CRITICISM AND ACCUSATIONS LINING UP RIGHT AT YOUR EYES FROM THE SCREEN, YOU DO NOT CONTINUE READING FROM THIS POINT ON. BECAUSE IT WILL DEFINITELY MAKE YOU FEEL ANGRY AND IT WILL NOT BE WORTH IT FOR YOU. IF YOUR EMOTIONS ARE FREE TO FLOW RIGHT NOW, YOU MAY CONTINUE AND ENJOY OR SUFFER THE REST OF MY ENTRY. HOWEVER, I WILL NOT BE RESPONSIBLE OR LIABLE FOR ANY EMOTIONAL INJURIES OR VIEW INJURIES CAUSED. THE RIGHTS ARE ULTIMATELY MINE BECAUSE IT IS MY BLOG.
So, I received a freaking phone call feeling all so happy at first. And then it turns out of to be a whole load of shit because firstly, I heard you are going to let yourself to be stuck in that fuckin' place I CONDEMN SO BADLY - for the rest of your life and I have to live with it because I promised to support it no matter what the shit hell's gonna happen. Secondly, I'm not gonna have a chance to talk to you until I don't know the fucking days later. and what do I mean by talking to you? FACE TO FACE. Okay, the phone call thing is whatever, it keeps me numb. BUT, the face to face thing is ESSENTIAL, MORE than essential, it's a LIFE-AND-DEATH matter - thank you. I have to do my best not to sound sad because I know you're worse off than me right now. But you know, I'm not very good at it sometimes because it will definitely get leaked out because I can't hide everything, especially my feelings, okay? Thirdly, I haven't heard of your full proof plan, where the fuck is it? and you are making the decision as it is? No discussion? uhh, SO, where is the we in this? where am I in this shit? I'm not feeling like I'm a part of this the moment I heard you say that. I feel like, I'm just a fucking messenger. WHAT. THE. FUCK. _|_
Again, I'm not too positive about that fuckin' place. I condemn that fucking place. And I do want to literally burn that fucking place if I could. Get the picture everyone? It sucks. Okay? I don't fucking care how the big bucks' are that's gonna come right into your hand every month. What concerns me most - or you could say, the thing that makes me MIND the whole thing, is that you are willing to get your life tied down in that CONDEMNED-PLACE for the rest of your life for that fucking shit money. I rather you have your life, throw the fucking money, and live life. It's not fucking worth it. I mean, for me, not knowing the full picture and the whole situation and everything, that's what I see; That's what I'm going to conclude bluntly for now.
So, give me the full picture. Give me the pros and cons. I mean, if you attend talks about it from the self-providers, it is like -.- That's what you call self-praising and self-protection. They only talk the GOOD about it to attract you because from what I know of, they are lacking manpower and hence, they need to attract more people before it fucking topples up.I don't know. Seriously, I'm fucking pissed off and it's fucking not worth it because you are obviously worth more than that fucking shit. AND! To top that of, because it's you, it makes me feel so down right now. It makes me want to run around and kill people. But I'm just gonna say that figuratively because it's never gonna happen. I might be a sadist but I don't intentionally harm people.
I AM DISAPPOINTED. because I feel like I'm not a part of it, I'm just a meaningless load of fucking shit, watching and waiting for decisions to be made but I'm not a part of the decision-maker. I don't know how the fuck I'm going to make myself to recover from this sudden load of information. You heal me.
And I have a confession. I am emotionally stressed. Do not push me to the point where I can't get myself back up to my standing point. Worst still, do not push me to the point where you can't carry me up. I am definitely emotionally stressed. This thing is not for someone of my age to handle and I am really trying my best to. I'm still a fucking kid. A fucking 16 year old kid.
*WHOLE LOAD OF VULGARITIES, BLUNT-CRITICISM AND ACCUSATIONS COMPLETED*
Other than talking about my emotional roller coaster: Today, I woke up feeling like I'm sick and I just want to lie in bed all day. I have this headache coming in and I don't when it's gonna end. But it really makes me not want to do things. My initial plan after coming home from the brunch and tee-shirt making today was to play the piano. But the moment I reached home, I watched American Idol Season 10 and fell asleep the moment the last contestant sang. I woke up at 9pm and continued using my lappy, hoping that I'm gonna feel better soon so that I can get on with my theory and then probably finish up a few more pieces. But sadly, I CAN'T. The headache's really stopping me from doing anything but just to lie down and be stupid. Hopefully I won't wake up like that tomorrow or I'll have to give it a miss. To top that off, I have a gathering for JIASHENG'S BIRTHDAY TOMORROW (: AND I'm definitely broke from spending money on my TEEs, so I'm gonna rip it off my mum tomorrow - nah, I'll ask nicely (: I'll be leaving at 4. So I have less than an hour to practice tomorrow ): WHICH MEANS I HAVE TO WAKE UP EARLY AT LIKE 8 to 9 am or something to drill my fingers. DARN. It's 1.18am right now and I doubt I can get myself to sleep. Feeling so cold and feverish right now when there isn't a single blow of a wind. Screw this.
Love you most Crake,
vika
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