I always thought I could change the world. I thought I'll probably start by shaping the thoughts and the minds of the people around me. I'll do it by example, not by force. If they're willing to follow me, it shows that I've created a change because I believe these people will pass it on to the next, and the next will pass it on to the next. Eventually, it MIGHT become big. Even though the change might be little, at least I know I tried my best to make a change instead of allowing it to stay the way it is. And when people see the change, I'll feel the sense of achievement. I don't need acknowledgements, I just want to see the world become a better place and I'll feel just glad.
I never let my thoughts, for once, limit myself to do things. I never limit my thoughts either. Instead, I let it run its colours as far as it can. If I were to limit my thoughts, I won't be able to think further and deeper. Neither will I be able to do things that I never thought I could do. But if I let my thoughts limit myself to do things, then it questions my capability and my ability! I want to able to do anything and everything I can because I know I have the ability to do anything and everything. We know that anyone in this world has that ability. It ain't just me. I will do it as long as I am capable enough to do it. I'll go to the end of the world to be capable just so that I can do anything and everything. But I will never use anyone, step on anyone, kill anyone, make anyone suffer just to do anything and everything because I still want to make the world a better place. That, was me.
Crake, don't you think that is the best and at the same time, the scariest part of me? The best because with this thinking, I can make myself go far because I'll walk the most rocky, muddy, roads that has the most false grounds, if that is the only way to make me reach my goal. No matter how flat I fall, how deep I fall, I'll still be able to get up and find another route. I'll still be a survivor. I'll still find my way to climb all the way up to the highest mountain. The scariest because I'm a just a tiny, little girl that has too much energy, too much passion and way too much of a dream and goal burning inside of me that I can be a threat! A threat to everyone. They'll be afraid to get too close with me, afraid to come after me, afraid to be friends with me, afraid to be with me. I'll lose everyone.
The scariest thoughts I'm having now? I'm beginning to let my own thoughts limit me. Because I don't want to be more capable that you. I don't want to be more able than you. I don't want to be more successful than you. Because I do not want to end up being forced to leave you. I'm afraid to go far because I don't want to be a somebody anymore. I just want to be a nobody. I don't want to lose anyone, especially you. I am going against myself because I want to stay right beside you. I used to make you think just like me, to go far, to reach beyond the skies, beyond the planet. But now I'm starting to make myself think just the opposite. The only thing that can make my thoughts go back to how it used to be is you and that is going to be hard because I don't want to.
Does anyone actually know how this feels? That I want to be a somebody and yet I have to force myself to be a nobody?
Much love,
vika.
you know, i really enjoy reading this space of yours. it's intriguing.
ReplyDeletewhy do you have to limit yourself? why do you have to be afraid of everyone being afraid to be close to you? why do you have to be afraid that that someone important would leave you?
why are you even afraid of simply being YOURSELF? i do not see the reason why you should? perhaps, i don't know you personally, perhaps that's why i could say such a thing so easily.
i don't see any reason why they would be afraid to be closer to you and that so important person would leave you, simply cause you are being you?
as long as the said influence is positive and good and how you spread such quality is gotten by being with/around you and not by you having to sell it in a hard manner. in short, picking the quality from you as a role model. i can't think of reason why they would be doing what you're so afraid of?
how long can you endure by limiting yourself? and in the long run, do you think you will be satisfied by doing so and not being true to yourself?
how many people have dreams or are clear about what they want? you are clear about what you want and what you hope to achieve. go for it and shine in your own ways and bring positive influence to people around you. in the end, those who accepted you as who you are and stay with you are the ones you should truly be afraid of losing while those who rejected or decided not to be around you and stay with you are the ones who you will meet along the way who would shaped you a better positive influence (and a better you).
SWM
Thank you your words of encouragement (: Funny though you chose to be anonymous and then you leave your initials right at the bottom. If you want me to know who you are, you should just write your name in full? Logical? But if you choose to not tell me, then so be it, I won't pry.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, perhaps you're not as close to me. Perhaps you don't know the whole situation, so you could say such things easily. Like I said, I'm not afraid of being myself. Neither am I afraid of losing anyone because I know those who choose to stay by my side will be worth my concern and care. If they leave, so what? Right? I'm just stating what their thoughts might be.
What I'm afraid of? Is that I might have to be forced to leave. Other circumstances that I foresee, will come and force me to leave. And I do not want that. That's why it leaves me to thinking that I need to limit myself because that's the only way to let myself out of the jeopardy of being forced.
But really, thank you for putting aside your time to write this for me. whether it's encouraging or reprimanding, you achieved to let me stop to think about it for awhile. And at least I know someone out there actually cared to read and give me light (:
Actually, SWM is not my initial. The reason why I'm wrote SWM at the bottom is simply for identity purposes. And as to why, I didn't leave my name. Simply because I'm just a stranger unless you're curious? Hahaha.
ReplyDeleteIndeed I know nothing about your situation at all. Everything that I wrote was based on your entry. I just think that one shouldn't be limiting oneself and it's just tiring if doing so with different groups of friends. One would become sorta "confused" with different actions/behaviors to fit into different groups of people and lost track of themselves. (Not sure if you understand what I meant though)
If I sounded like a complete asshole to you or I was being ignorant and said the wrong things or what I wrote was offensive, my apologies.
I have no intention of reprimanding you and neither do I have the rights to do so. I read what my wrote again, it wasn't on purpose to sound like I'm reprimanding you.
It's my way on solving my or others' issues (not implying yours). I don't dictate others on how to solve their issues rather I tried guiding and let them do the thinking. Perhaps that's why when all was written in one post, it looks like I'm reprimanding you or some sort. Sorry yeah.
Honestly, is what I wrote more towards the encouraging side or the reprimanding side? After reading what I wrote, it looks like it's more towards the reprimanding side and I felt a little bad for it. Hahaha.
SWM
Yes I am curious if you don't mind. LOL, I tried to give it a thought. SWM? uhh, no. None that I know of unless I'm being ignorant? I don't know..
ReplyDeleteAnd I do understand what you said, that's why I do not believe in that.
And honestly, you do not sound like a complete asshole. From the outside it makes sense of everything but the saddest thing, there's more to what's given from the outside. On some parts, it did sound like you were reprimanding me. But mostly, I thought it was really encouraging(: And I did wake up feeling better upon reading your comment earlier this morning. So, thank you. really.
Hahaha, I'm a total stranger that's why no matter how you scratch your head, you won't know.
ReplyDeleteOkay, good to hear that. Sorry for being an asshole on certain parts. It wasn't my intention Hahaha.
SWM :)
nope, it's okay. How did you 'bloghop' all the way to mine? I'm unknown you know.
ReplyDeleteI don't know how either. I just took a compass and I landed up here somehow. Well, you aren't exactly unknown if I'm directed here somehow. You're a small somebody ;p
ReplyDeleteMay you get back up real soon :) Cheers!
Haha, a small something. Thankyou for your wishes. I hope I will (:
ReplyDelete